The Joy of Kink — why we love BDSM
The advantages of being perverted
Perverts!
That’s the term used by ‘normal’ people to describe those of us who like to do things a little differently in the bedroom (and often outside of it too).
The more we learn, the more we realise that ‘perverts’ might actually outnumber ‘normal’ people — the majority, it seems, have some or other little kink. But it really doesn’t matter who’s in the majority.
The fact is that the tribe of kinky people is huge.
In a room of ten people only a minority, two or three at most, are actually happy with wham bam thank you ma’am sex. The rest of us want something more — a bit of roleplay, some dirty talk, hair pulling, spanky or wanky — the list is endless, from gentle and relatively innocent to dark and extreme.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably also a pervert — especially given the fact that, for the most conservative people in the world, ‘perversions’ may include oral sex or doing it with the lights on.
Over here at Kink Ideas, where we fly our freak flags proudly, our perversions fall firmly in the BDSM arena.
Fetish. Bondage. S&M. Dominance. Submission.
These are just a few of the terms used to describe our kind of ‘non-normative sexual behaviour.’
And the more we do it, the more we like it.
The more we do it, the more grateful we are that this is part of our lives.
‘Perversion’ is a pejorative term. I’m using it here to highlight the fact that many people remain uncomfortable with kink.
When Xavier was young — an adolescent in the throes of puberty — he was deeply ashamed of his kinky desires. Now, as an adult, we are deeply grateful that he’s a pervert.
I am supremely thankful that we are both weirdos. It makes life so much more interesting.
We are no longer uncomfortable. We have learned to embrace our desires — and they have set us free.
It’s a standing joke we have. The more we tie each other up, the more liberated we feel in our souls.
What is it, exactly, that makes kink so great?
To explain this, we have to start with the joys and limitations of ‘conventional’ intimacy.
Sex is incredible, the best thing ever invented. And… it can be one-dimensional.
We love kink for the same reason that ‘how to spice up your sex life’ has become a regular feature in most glossy magazines.
People want great sex.
Conventional sex can be boring.
Sex is so much more than putting one thing inside another thing.
But let’s start with the joy of sex.
If you have recently fallen in love, kink might be the last thing on your mind.
In the infatuation stage of a new relationship, straight sex is often all we need.
Everything about the other person drives us wild. A glance, a dance move, a lick of the lips, a flick of the hips — anything can ignite the libido.
Interestingly, the forces at play during infatuation are some of the same things that make kink so good — uncertainty, surprise, elusiveness. The thrill of conquest, the fear of rejection.
The rush of infatuation can be recreated over and over with kink.
Unfortunately, infatuation — and the autonomic arousal infused in it — doesn’t last.
This is one of the things that makes kink such a great tool for couples. (Not that you can do kink if it’s not your thing, but if the seeds are there, even the smallest shoots, they are worth nurturing.)
Some people solve the problem of boring sex by moving on quickly from one relationship to another.
If it works, who are we to knock it?
But if, like us, you appreciate the benefits of a long-term, committed relationship, you have to grapple with the limitations of conventional sex.
In our case, we both discovered in earlier relationships that we needed kink in our lives. The ennui of the missionary position, the emptiness of sexless marriages, these experiences left us determined to pursue our deepest desires.
To turn our fantasies into realities.
Love without the lubricant of lust is not for us. Conversely, we also want lust on a bedrock of deep love — and kink has given us both.
We give thanks almost daily that we found each other. As one of our favourite bumper stickers has it — if you find your weirdo, don’t let them go.
